This Is It For A While

I haven't been posting here lately. I've been struggling, here, my other blog, and a bit with life. So, I'm just going to call it. I'm taking a break from my more "writerly" blog. I'm going to focus on my writing, as well as things that I have more fun with, like Twitter and Instagram. I'm going to still post on my other blog when I have something to say. I feel sad letting this blog fade away. I enjoyed it. I suppose I just don't love it anymore. It's time for a break. I hope to come back, but I suppose we will see.

Last Week #75 - Story Relationships

I've been thinking about my Main Character's relationships recently. I've been thinking about the woman who needs help and keeps asking for it. Does she really need my character's help, or can she help herself? How can she learn to help herself? Is everything out of her control?

She reacted to the anger, to my stance, taking a step back. Sadness filled her eyes again, "Taryn, I'm so sorry." 

"Ya, Kaitlyn, I bet you are." I clenched my jaw. 

"I just want you, need you, in my life." I could see the tears pooling, threatening. 

I hardened my stance, taking another deep breath. "I'm sorry Kaitlyn. What I need to do is move on. No more Ben, and I'm sorry, but no more you." 

She took a step towards me, I moved back, towards the doorway, "But he loves you. I... I love you too. You're my best friend."

Random #95 - To Good Health

I would just like to say how thankful I am that I live in Canada. I know this country isn't perfect. But for the most part, I feel safe. Today, I'm thinking about healthcare. I have good healthcare. It's not perfect, but I don't have to worry about my previous pregnancies being a pre-existing condition. Today, I'm worried about the world and particularly our neighbours to the south. There are so many people without healthcare. For all my friends and family who live there, I hope they stay safe and stay healthy.

This is one of the reasons why I have been having a difficult time posting anything positive lately. I know I talked about this already, and I know that I said to myself that I should try to find the bright side, the glimmer. So, besides being thankful I live in Canada, I'm thankful for the health of my family. I hope that whatever events, things, actions, are making you upset or unhappy, that you do something about it.

Random #94 - A Parenting Moment

My children, sitting in the couch, reading to each other. My 5-year-old reading his homework book to his big sister and my daughter reading hers to him. So cute. Full heart.

Random #93 - Cracks in Real Life

There's a crack in my windshield. We have to replace it. The whole thing. It looks like it started down low, behind the wipers. So of course, we didn't see it when it was a chip. Ugh.

Last Week #74 - Hiding

Like the main character in my work-in-progress, I want to hide from the world sometimes.

Besides working on this novel, putting together its bits and pieces, I've been thinking about changing the looks of my blogs. Maybe not this one, but my other one. I've been wanted to change it for a while. Something more modern looking maybe? This blog, I've been wanting to change some of the "gadgets", the bits and pieces that float around the posts. Something to make it feel a bit more me.  I suppose we'll see how both end up looking, as well as when I'll get around to doing it.

Life has still been hectic, unpredictable. Not just my life, but the life of those around me, the life of this world. 

I've still been writing though. It is where my focus goes when adult life isn't taking up all my time. Here's a bit of what I wrote this week. I'm not sure how I feel about it. A good lead into something else?

I was alone, staring up at the darkened ceiling. I lay flat, blankets up to my shoulders. I counted my breaths, in, one, two, three, four, out, one, two, three, four. I could feel my heart wanted to speed up in the dark. I needed it to slow. I needed calm so that I could sleep. I was tired. I spent all day tired. When exhausted, sleep should come easy, no? No.

I was trying not to see the blood. I tried only to see the ceiling or the blackness behind my eyelids. I tried to see nothing. I tried to hear nothing. There were still sounds. A car coming home late. The dog barking across the street. The scratch of something outside, the rustle of leaves. I search for the silence. 

I started listening for my sister, my sister who insisted on staying. I said I didn’t need her. Apparently, we both knew that to be a lie. I wish I had let her sleep in here like she suggested, like we were girls again, at home, whispering secrets. But we were adults now. I was asserting my independence, trying to show her that I was fine, that I could keep going with my life like nothing happened. Because nothing did. Not to me. Something bad happened to some people I knew, people I barely knew. Whatever was going to happen to them, yes, I was concerned, interested. I wanted to know more about Ben and if he was going to save them. Again?

Random #92 - The News

The best picture of all?

The news is too much. It's happening so fast. It's one hectic news day after another. I used to check periodically throughout the day and before the end of the night, just to keep current. Now, if I miss even a couple of hours, I might miss the next big disaster. Any number of things that have happened in the past four weeks could count as a disaster, could have set journalists, bloggers, analysts digging for weeks or months, instead they/we barely have time to keep up.

I had wanted to talk about Prime Minister Trudeau and the smiles Ivanka Trump was giving him during his visit to Washington on Monday, but at this point, it's old news. I also wanted to talk about how prepared Trudeau was for the Trump handshake, which made me just love my PM even more. Again, old news. Only a few days, but there are bigger scandals in the States right now. Our Prime Minister has gone to France to talk trade deals.

As with the People's Court judge on Saturday Night Live this weekend, I'd just like a slow news day and not have to worry about missing something if I take a day away from the news sites and Twitter.

Last Week #73 - Blogging and Reading In Tumultuous Times

I wrote a blog post about 1984 and blogging. Took a bit out of me, but it was good. I've decided I should read, Brave New World, and reread 1984 and The Handmaid's Tale. But I don't want to drive myself crazy with worry and fear of the future, so I'll probably read Carve the Mark as soon as I'm done with The Satanic Verses. I want to mix the light and the serious, or I might go mad.

I'm still obsessively reading the news. Every night before bed and every morning when I get up. I should probably stop, but I'm afraid I'll miss the apocalypse warnings. I'm worried about my country, our neighbours to the south and the world.

I know this is short, but if feel like if I talk about what happened in Quebec City, I'll cry. I feel like if I talk about Bowling Green, I'll Hulk out and turn green. So much happened this week, I can't really sum it all up.

How was your week?

Random #91 - What The New Day Will Bring

I thought of using something more
sinister or using nothing at all, but
with recent events, a freaked out Dory
seemed more appropriate.

I shouldn't be afraid of going to sleep. I'm an insomniac, I should love when I actually fell asleep. Usually I do. Lately though, every morning when I get up, I check Twitter,  Facebook and various newsfeeds, I'm always concerned about what I will find. Every morning,  I wonder what new, terrible thing has happened in the world. I've been staying on top of things more than I used to. I'm more worried now. This time last year, I saw progress in the world, now, I'm afraid of what the future will bring.

Bonne chance mes amis.

Last Week #72 - So Much Can Change

I started this post just a couple days ago. So much can change in just a couple days. What I wanted to talk about was the Women's March and a bit of what I've written over the week, but I didn't know what was going to happen. I didn't want more to be happening. I wanted to talk about how inspirational watching the Women's March throughout the U.S. and around the world was, and that it gave me hope. Hope that the U.S. and their new regime won't stop the world from moving forward, that one day we might have equality for all. Maybe I'll be able to go on vacation to the U.S. again and feel safe. Then, before I could post this, things changed again.

There's a ban on Muslims. I know he's saying it's not a "ban", that it's only particular Muslim countries, but that's just semantics. When this ban came down and a halt on refugees began, I was proud to be Canadian, as I saw my Prime Minister open our country to all those that were turned away. That we were saying, Welcome to Canada. As I watched all the protests at airports spreading across the border, I wondered when the people would be heard. I hoped that the people could get through to their leader.

Then things changed again. There was attack at home, on Canadian soil, and I'm having a difficult time with it. My father-in-law, who grew up in Quebec City, and would ride his bike by this same mosque every day, is deeply saddened and troubled. He thought the world was moving forward, we thought that Canada could be a safe place for everyone. I won't be quiet about this. I can't be. This hurts now. At a time when I thought people could be better, this happens. I know people can be better. 

Random #90 - Keeping Quiet

I don't talk a lot about my beliefs on either of my blogs. It pops up here and there, if I'm talking about parenting or wanting the same opportunities for both my daughter and my son. I might have more in the beginning of my blogging life, but I have shied away from it over time. Part of the reason is that I'm a little scared of the Internet. Too many times, I see people being bullied and trolled online. The idea of it fills me with anxiety.

Years ago, when I first joined Twitter, I made what I thought was an innocuous comment about Hemmingway and drinking and writing. Then someone who was a new follower replied to me and we had a brief exchange in which she ended up telling me how awful drinking is. While yes, excessive drinking is bad, I'm a wine lover. I even feel weird admitting that. More and more now, I'm seeing things in the world happening, that is giving me a different kind of anxiety, a fear about what is doing to happen in the world moving forward. Though it still makes me tense, I feel like I should be more vocal. How am I going to handle this, how loud am I going to be moving forward? I don't know. I just don't feel like I can be quiet.

Last Week #71 - Images In My Head

It's been a busy start to the New Year. I had been feeling out of sorts, but I think I'm feeling a bit better. I think part of that is the holiday craziness is over. I've been able to decompress a bit. Not as much as I'd like though... I think another part of me feeling better is what I've read so far this year. I've already finished two book! The Queen of The Tearling and Can You Keep A Secret, not exactly similar, but both had me hooked. They had plots that kept me engaged and I was emotionally attached to the characters. I've also felt more like blogging, which has been on the decline lately. If I'm reading and blogging, that usually means I'm writing more.

Which brings me to the crux of this post, what did I write last week? Well, actually, not much. A few sentences, a short scene, but the story has been playing in my head. Things I want my MC to do, what I want her to say, how she is going to feel. I feel like the wind is shifting and the story is going to be blown about a bit, but it is also going to make it to the page.

Quote #70 - TS Eliot

“For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning."

Little Gidding ― T.S. Eliot